Well readers, spring has sprung, and the use of seasonal clichés is cropping up like the first crocus. It’s that time of year when you feel like slapping the owner of every tacky home goods store that uses the terms “eggs-cellent,” “eggs-citing” or “eggs-quisite.” While there is a bounty of ova all ova-the-place, there are some eggs that are shunned from the spotlight. And as such, we present you with our gayvorite, non-Easter affiliated eggs. Our dirty dozen begs the age old eggs-istental conundrum, “Which came first, the chicken or these eggs?”
1. Lady Gaga’s Grammy Egg – Our Lady of Gaga infamously emerged from one of these little guys for her show-stopping performance of her show-stealing song. A year later, the thought of what kind of bird laid this gargantuan egg still haunts us. Big bird? An Albatross? Only in the Haus of Gaga would there be a secret pterodactyl incubation chamber.
2. Humpty Dumpty -The tragic hero of our least gayvorite nursery rhyme. What the hell was the moral of this story anyway? Don’t sit on high walls? That kings horses and king’s men are entirely incompetent? Don’t wear polka-dots?
3. L’Eggs pantyhose -Many a toddler would rather play with the gift wrapping than the gift inside, and us kidults feel the same way about L’Eggs pantyhose. The classic egg container far outperforms the hose, which are so thin you might as well just brush a layer of egg yolks on your legs. In fact, the Gayvorites staff brings along L’Egg containers whenever we’re asked to babysit for relatives in the hopes that we can just settle down with a bottle of wine and the latest episode of Mad Men.
4. In Vitro Fertilization - A favorite of hot young women trying to pay their student loans and/or get boob jobs, and couples who apparently haven’t heard of adoption.
5. Tamagotchi - These notoriously needy egg monsters won the hearts of millions in the 90s before ending up in the garbage one month later.
6. Goose Egg - There are lots of ways for crossword puzzle writers to say zero – nada, nil, zippo, zilch, cero, etc. Our gayvorite, favored by schoolmarms nation wide is goose egg.
7. Golden Eggs - A reference to two of our childhood delights, both Willy Wonka and Harry Potter feature prominent golden egg subplots.
8. Edie the Egg Lady - This beloved character from John Waters’ Pink Flamingoes, takes us back to simpler times, when we sat in a crib eating eggs while our drag queen daughter lovingly watched over us before going on killing sprees.
9. East Egg vs. West Egg – F. Scott Fitzgerald’s endearing terms for new and old money, these “eggs” takes the cake as the biggest five-minute-yawn topic for your 11th grade English paper.
10. Egg-Beaters - Disguised in a garish yellow carton, these yolk-free eggs sneak their way right into your favorite low-cholesterol omelet.
11. Legs & Eggs - Everyone knows the best breakfasts are served with a side of stripper heels.
12. Togepi - Waiting 30 episodes for this goddamn crying egg-pokemon to hatch was perhaps the only continued story arc in the entire animated series.
The Bottom Line – Good Gawd, uncovering these obscure eggs was almost as eggs-acerbating as that time our eggs-boyfriend took us to get overcooked egg foo young for our anniversary eggs-actly 4 months ago.
Rating - Doctor Ivo Robotnik plays with Silly Putty while listening to “I Am the Walrus” while.
Illusgaytion by Robyn Ng
Posted by our secretary